Two first weeks of the new year, Check
Getting knocked up, Check
Book a date for an abortion, Check
Drink myself stupid, Check
Make an ass out of myself and loving it, Check
Lose my bank card and my thingy for the internet bank, Check
Deciding to get myself together and start working on getting the life and persona I want, DOUBLE-CHECK!

Listening to The Doors, waiting for dinner to get ready.. I seriously need to get time for a tattoo.. I know FOUR at least that I want to get done now..
One Jim Morrison inspirated, two Mötley Crüe and one with my fav quote with a insect I have a soft side for.
We'll see how much they'll cost so I can start already..


Don't really know what to write. I'm stupid in that way.. that I don't write when I ACTUALLY have something to say.. Oh well, quote that won't leave my head:

"i am the lizard king
i can do anything

We came down
The rivers and highways
We came down from
Forests and falls"

"Life is like a box, Life is like a book"

No! Life IS a box, Life IS a book!
Either you love living in your big fat box, cuddling up in there with a huge smile on your face over all the empty presents you're given. Or you spend your entire life kicking that lid, trying to get it open. trying to see what more there is, trying to get a peek of what's out there and WHO THE FUCK PUT YOU THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE!


And then you have the book..
Every single day you write a new page, in the font you were told to. In the color you were told to. At the fucking pace you were told to! And you can't skip a few chapters, taking everything in your own order, oh no! God forbid!

It's colder than a witch's tit outside, honest to god.. And ofc me and Hubby had to go for a long walk to get a package from the postoffice. It felt like my face where to fall off.
But I'm happy nonetheless since the package contained my new piercings <3 and my gear for piercing J.J, mwahaha!

---

I've been thinking about style allot lately, how I'm completely non-talented in that area.. That part of the X-chromosome must have fucked up big time with me.. Make-up and styling hair and shit like that.. I'm telling you- I'm fucking useless! When i want my hair to look good I have to ask one of the boys to do it. I feel like such a woman some times..
Hopefully I'll get some cash for x-mas so I can go and get my hair done.. Extensions and a perm..NO NO NO! Not curly hair och 80's poodle.. But a volumeperm or something like that.  want to look good..hot as hell..who doesn't? But I don't want to fix myself up everytime I want to look like something besides a Beatle.
Anyhow.. think 'm gonna get one of those piercingneedles and scare J.J.. He's been sleeping for an hour or so.

X

Theories..
Yea, alright I have plenty. And one always contradicts the other no mather what.. except this one..which is explainable since it's not really a theory..more of a epiphany.

I firmly believe that everything, almost, can be explained by instincts. And I do mean everything.
'well, duh', some may think but  no..not "duh".
I was watching this documentary about children with sleeping problems. "try hypnotherapy" "maybe she's traumatized" or "maybe she wasn't raised right". Ever come to think that some people are naturally more instinctive than others, from birth. And being alone in a room is not natural for a human when you think about it, we're not meant to be alone. And come to think of it walls must be one of the first really unnatural things of us to start with.

"four walls for you, and four walls for me"

Of course children run in to their parents bedroom, of course they are fucking scared. They are ALONE! They feel unprotected.
Let see it like I did when I was a kid.
I couldn't sleep at night, and why?  because each time I closed my eyes I kept thinking "Who's gonna guard me when I let my guard down, who will be in control and make sure everything is alright"
Yes parents says there's nothing to be afraid of . But you don't have to be scared of something in particular to feel unsafe. I still to this day have huge trouble sleeping alone in a room, even though someone might be in the room right next to me. they can't see me or what is going on in here, when will they react if something did happen? When they hear a weird noise, whether it's me screaming or something breaking they are too far away.

In my opinion these are normal feelings. They're instincts and there for a reason- we can't defend ourselves with fangs, claws or brutal strength so you need to be kept safe. And why are children most afraid? because if a grown man is an easy target then a child is no match and I think that's what scares them even though they may not think that way or even are aware about it. "But we have our intelligence and handmade weapons" yes, but our instincts don't know that, they don't care. That side of your mind is only aware what YOU are capable off just you, without any tools or extras or shit..

Now I've just talked about the instinct linked to fear but there are so much more..and so much more about just fear but I can't write all that down now..
But how corny it may sound, Love and fear is our biggest and strongest feelings, and also our strongest instincts.
Look at it, our lifes revolves around it.
Feeling unloved,looking for love, yearning for it, having it and your whole life seem fulfilled, loosing it making you almost wishing for death, and the love for your family, your passions.
And fear of being rejected, fear of being a failure, of not getting what you want, of not making it, of..well..fucking everything!

And there I wish i could control my instincts, but I never have never will. I flee of fear when I'm afraid I might fall, when something can hurt me.

But anyways..that's the way it is. instincts controls us, binds us and are more basic and strong than emotions (which kinda comes from our instincts often).
I think the world would be more pleasant if people would listen more to that side, to that voice. At least when it comes to other people. I do it all the time and it enables me to read people really well. See if somethings wrong even when they try to hide it. It's a feeling in your gut but an instinct just the same.
The individual is no stronger than it's pack or something like that.

Enough rambling. Nighty

And YES! I'm all well again from that fuckin fluthing or what it was.. I was only ill like one and a half day though, thank you imune system! But I guess it did some good while it lasted, I lost 3 KG since I couldn't hold anything down for more than five minutes at the most.

In other news me and Hubby celebrated 7 months together yesterday but the celebrating reached a low point.. I was still weak from being sick and then J.J started to get stomach pains so..we went to buy some meat, we ate, we slept. Bfah..

X-mas is just around the corner also.. and ofc I'm late with the whole shoppingthing once again. I don't get any cash 'till the 17th so I guess I'll have to go crazy for cocopuffs with all of Stockholms new terrorists then..
Just have a few people to shop for though..

• Honey-Li
• Hubby
• Tezzi
• Jenni (done)
• Mum
• Bengt
• Arre
• Kongo(done)
• Grandpa

Anf maybe I'll get something for the other vandals.. Hoho-HO!
Got some kick-ass giftideas for J.J and grandpa, damn I'm on a roll here ppl!

Just got back from Svedmyra. Bought a bathroom scale and picked up some mail. I hate weighing myself, but if I don't want my food ghosts do re-appear I need to have my weight under control.
So.. i pulled my pants off (with the handcuffs and belts and shit the pants alone must weigh more than one of my arms) and got up on that damned thing and woohoo, I've gained about 4,5 kg so that has to go.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not obsessed with weight, but since I have a warped self-image I can't trust my own eyes when I look in the mirror. Being in control and keeping my weight from going up and down is my way to be sure I haven't gained 3 pounds over night even if it looks like that to me.

So I guess my plan to lose 4,5 KG is to stop with the sweets, no shit aye?, and start up with the push-ups and sit-ups again. Like I've said before I need to start working out again but I think I' more into doing just one thing rather than doing yoga here, and boxing there and aerobics here.. Maybe I'll take some dance classes, or karate or whatev.. Or gymnastics.. like acrobatics.. Since most of my bodyparts are kinda hypermobile and that could be good for my joints or something.
Or I'll take up pole- and/or belly-dancing..

Wish me luck on Sunday also, me and hubby are gonna look at some apartment that we will hopefully get.
X

Got back home with about half of Posh Vandals from their rehearsal today that in my op went pretty damn good, even though I hear like a 90 year old hag because of the fever...
Bit my lip on the way home so now I got a nice taste of blood in my mouth. Weird enough it mix kinda nicely with tea..

Anyhow, I just downloaded some pics from my camera to my computer and some vids from Posh's latest gig.. the vids are fucking terrible cause my camera fucked up big time.. There's some major dysfunction junction with that thing.. But there where some very interesting parts.. Like one where Lis dances like a drunk ragdoll at the end of 'The boys are back in town', and the ending of another song where Charlie and Liz are laying on stage, Charlie seems to dryhump Liz's leg while Liz gets up to squeeze Charlie's nipple.. there's one nice gayfest for ya!
Will upload it when I can get my hands on some video editing program of some sort..

---

J.J is hilarious when he's sleepy, ehr..btw. I sat on top of him drumming on his stomach and then leaned forward holding the bed quilt (that he was under) to my face and he asks "are you Muslim?"
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard, no doubt.

Oh, almost forgot.. Got some writing done at the busride home from my mums last Sunday. It's been a while since I last got a flash of inspiration but it kinda hit me when we got closer and closer back to Stockholm and I saw all those lights that just tells you you're home.
I fucking hope they keep coming. I've missed writing so much, and I haven't had any inspiration what so ever the last couple of months or so.. Pray for me won't ya?

X

Well,well.. this is it.. the beginning of the end of another year. Not that big a deal really, but you still feel the anticipation of the holidays..
I love the holidays, I do.. it gives me something to do and something to focus on. Something I normally don't have.
It will be nice for a change I think.. Gonna make it a lil christmasy here tomorrow if I'll wake up in time

I've gulped down 3-4 glasses of Jim Beam and coke so I'll be able to sleep tonight. have looked up a couple of numbers to nearby psychiatric health center or what you'd call it.. Gonna call em up tomorrow, see if I can get a doc again to get me some sleeping pills. Also I need someone to talk to, to sort out what makes me so.. deviant..
I think that would be good for me, plus I need someone to kick me in the arse once in a while to get me to actually do the things I'm aiming for.. to start studying and working out again. To never stop chasing myself again.
Seriously, man.. I need to catch that lil fucker and se who she is cause man is she teasing me or what?
I don't really know who I am.. all of me at least, but I'm trying to figure that shit out.
I don't really like myself, but that's the big part of me that's all chaos. And why is it chaos?
Because I haven't figured that part out yet so it's got a mind of its own you know? I'm trying to get there, and I'm trying to not be so..me all the time. My days of breaking mirrors is OVER!

I'm in love with my lil affairs..My writing, my theories about..well anything, my music, my way of thought ( believe it or not) and I love always getting this new revelations about life, about how to think and especially about how to see things and people.. although people sometimes scares the living shit out of me..

But i scare them back.

Scaring people is kinda the idea.. because if you do, they don't see how scared you are.

So I've just got my sick lazy ass off the "bed" and I'm starting my day with the lovely sound of my wheezing throat and clogged up nose.. I sound like an old woman who've had nothing for forty years but thousands of smokes and a shitload of whisky.
Me and J.J stayed with my mum over the weekend so Kongo and Alexi could have the appartment for themselves. Good for them, pretty bad for me.
- I mean I love to see Mami and get away once in a while, but when we ran from the busstop to her place it was freezing cold and to much snow.. I wasn't really dressed for the weather either so I got a cold which I think was send directly from a Mr. Belsebub himself.

---

Oh shit.. Well, I guess you should be glad anyways.. C'mon girl, wag your tail wag your tail!.. But I am a bitter lil cunt so screw it..
I have so much that needs to be taken care off and I just can't get to it. I need to get in touch with some Doc to get me some sleepingpills or whatna, I need to pay all bills and go to Netonnet's stock shop to get my camera fixed + a couple of hundred other things.
Fuck it.. I'm going to the kitchen.. this kitty wan't some smoked salmon. Prrr

This have been a interesting couple of days, no doubt. Been drinkin from Friday to Monday, so I'm not what you would call health itself right now..
It's been awesome though and it hasn't been just me and J.J.. Saturday kongo got home with a bag full of gin&tonic and that ofc loured Liz over.. The day after it was 3,5's all day and yesterday Posh Vandals rehearsed and after that we went home with with Liz and drank some more beer.. All'n'all..it was a fun weekend.

As sober as a judge..

---

Anyhuu.. Did I go to Ki-Box? No, ofcourse I didn't.. But that's because SL is probably managed by evil lil greeneyed demons from the deepest pits of hell.. Could'nt match trains and busses up at all and it all turned to one fucking mess!
But we'll get cash soon and I'll try to get a real membership at that place and start to book less insane times or something.

Right now i'm sitting in my new Sixx T-shirt and I'm fucking jonesing for something and I have no idea what.. have been eating things with a huge resemblance to shit lately so I'm probably low on a bunch of stuff my body needs.
Well, well.. when we get some cash again we'll prob buy some better food.. like meat, GODAMN I miss meat..
A big ol fucking slice of some dead animal on a plate with redwine sauce.. Oh prrr, fucksake..prr!

And now I'm getting all worked up over that.. blah, I should probably stop ranting and do something productive.. like having a smoke..


Bye..

Glorious bankrobbers - dynamite sex dose

A really underestimated band if you ask me.

 

---

 

Done some laundry today- about fucking time!
Like I've said before, i had nothing clean left so now I'm purring like a lil kitten in my fresh clothes that actually smell good!
Think I'm gonna order a glorious bankrobbers tshirt if I can afford it after tomorrows payments.. For some reason it's not all that fun getting your cash every month any more.. Once you get them in your paws you have to give 'em away again.. that hardly seems fair now does it?
Although it's mostly my fault (read: my fault and my fault alone) that some cash has to go away right away, but that's because I get into these shopaholic periods.. It's not all that bad as  it used to be, but still..

There's some belts and shit from Tradera but that won't cost more than a couple of hundreds all together if I'm lucky. Gonna sell off some shit too so it will work out.

 

Ki-box later today, it will be great to finally blow off some steam, my energylevel is going through the fucking roof here..

 

 

• clean up Nah, just cleaned the bathtub.. The guys where the good ones today
• book the laundryroom Sort off, Kongo did it instead
  
• get a shower YE!
• clean some clothes in the tub..I decided I wasn't white trash enough to do that
  
• Fix up something to eat J.J is the self-proclaimed housewife
• oh..and have time to go to the gym.. No. I went but because of some damn mishaps I was too late and had to go back home.. No afrodance for me today.. Ki box tomorrow though..

Pissed because I couldn't work out, now I wont be able to sleep.. fucking A..
Atleast I get another chance at it tomorrow. I'm thinking about doing some ki-core Thursday also.. Ah fuck..we'll see.
Don't have that much to write about now since I'm mostly filled with morbid and chaotic thoughts and who wanna read about that?
-ye, like I thought.

Night.

Fuck sake.. I hate Mondays.. I mean on Sundays you are supposed to feel like a dying dog but when you wake up on Monday morning, still worn out and sick, that's all bad man..
Hopefully I'll feel better tomorrow so I can clean up around this place and actually do some good, just because.

So let's see if I can actually do what I intend to for once:

• clean up
• book the laundryroom (yeah, me and hubby does it rockstar-style now; no undies)
• get a shower before I start to smell like J.J's sweatpants or something ( love you anyways, darl ;* )
• clean some clothes in the tub.. (I have seriously nothing clean left)
• Fix up something to eat
• oh..and have time to go to the gym..

Woho...will let you know tomorrow if I was a good girl or a lazy cunt.

Night.

All hell's breakin' loose

Good way to start your day: Kiss - Discoveries album

Got my camera yesterday, the post office screwed up so I had to run around across town like a crazy person to get to it but fortunately I had my Hubby with me..
And ye, I hit a new low yesterday- called my grandpa and asked for cash.. Ofc, he transferred some.. and..not just some some..but ALLOT some.. Fuck sake..
oh well, now we can live at least.

Tonight: Yoga with Tjelsi-baby