21/12-10...22:08
It's colder than a witch's tit outside, honest to god.. And ofc me and Hubby had to go for a long walk to get a package from the postoffice. It felt like my face where to fall off.
But I'm happy nonetheless since the package contained my new piercings <3 and my gear for piercing J.J, mwahaha!
I've been thinking about style allot lately, how I'm completely non-talented in that area.. That part of the X-chromosome must have fucked up big time with me.. Make-up and styling hair and shit like that.. I'm telling you- I'm fucking useless! When i want my hair to look good I have to ask one of the boys to do it. I feel like such a woman some times..
Hopefully I'll get some cash for x-mas so I can go and get my hair done.. Extensions and a perm..NO NO NO! Not curly hair och 80's poodle.. But a volumeperm or something like that. want to look good..hot as hell..who doesn't? But I don't want to fix myself up everytime I want to look like something besides a Beatle.
Anyhow.. think 'm gonna get one of those piercingneedles and scare J.J.. He's been sleeping for an hour or so.
X
But I'm happy nonetheless since the package contained my new piercings <3 and my gear for piercing J.J, mwahaha!
I've been thinking about style allot lately, how I'm completely non-talented in that area.. That part of the X-chromosome must have fucked up big time with me.. Make-up and styling hair and shit like that.. I'm telling you- I'm fucking useless! When i want my hair to look good I have to ask one of the boys to do it. I feel like such a woman some times..
Hopefully I'll get some cash for x-mas so I can go and get my hair done.. Extensions and a perm..NO NO NO! Not curly hair och 80's poodle.. But a volumeperm or something like that. want to look good..hot as hell..who doesn't? But I don't want to fix myself up everytime I want to look like something besides a Beatle.
Anyhow.. think 'm gonna get one of those piercingneedles and scare J.J.. He's been sleeping for an hour or so.
X
17/12-10...00:31
Theories..
Yea, alright I have plenty. And one always contradicts the other no mather what.. except this one..which is explainable since it's not really a theory..more of a epiphany.
I firmly believe that everything, almost, can be explained by instincts. And I do mean everything.
'well, duh', some may think but no..not "duh".
I was watching this documentary about children with sleeping problems. "try hypnotherapy" "maybe she's traumatized" or "maybe she wasn't raised right". Ever come to think that some people are naturally more instinctive than others, from birth. And being alone in a room is not natural for a human when you think about it, we're not meant to be alone. And come to think of it walls must be one of the first really unnatural things of us to start with.
"four walls for you, and four walls for me"
Of course children run in to their parents bedroom, of course they are fucking scared. They are ALONE! They feel unprotected.
Let see it like I did when I was a kid.
I couldn't sleep at night, and why? because each time I closed my eyes I kept thinking "Who's gonna guard me when I let my guard down, who will be in control and make sure everything is alright"
Yes parents says there's nothing to be afraid of . But you don't have to be scared of something in particular to feel unsafe. I still to this day have huge trouble sleeping alone in a room, even though someone might be in the room right next to me. they can't see me or what is going on in here, when will they react if something did happen? When they hear a weird noise, whether it's me screaming or something breaking they are too far away.
In my opinion these are normal feelings. They're instincts and there for a reason- we can't defend ourselves with fangs, claws or brutal strength so you need to be kept safe. And why are children most afraid? because if a grown man is an easy target then a child is no match and I think that's what scares them even though they may not think that way or even are aware about it. "But we have our intelligence and handmade weapons" yes, but our instincts don't know that, they don't care. That side of your mind is only aware what YOU are capable off just you, without any tools or extras or shit..
Now I've just talked about the instinct linked to fear but there are so much more..and so much more about just fear but I can't write all that down now..
But how corny it may sound, Love and fear is our biggest and strongest feelings, and also our strongest instincts.
Look at it, our lifes revolves around it.
Feeling unloved,looking for love, yearning for it, having it and your whole life seem fulfilled, loosing it making you almost wishing for death, and the love for your family, your passions.
And fear of being rejected, fear of being a failure, of not getting what you want, of not making it, of..well..fucking everything!
And there I wish i could control my instincts, but I never have never will. I flee of fear when I'm afraid I might fall, when something can hurt me.
But anyways..that's the way it is. instincts controls us, binds us and are more basic and strong than emotions (which kinda comes from our instincts often).
I think the world would be more pleasant if people would listen more to that side, to that voice. At least when it comes to other people. I do it all the time and it enables me to read people really well. See if somethings wrong even when they try to hide it. It's a feeling in your gut but an instinct just the same.
The individual is no stronger than it's pack or something like that.
Enough rambling. Nighty
Yea, alright I have plenty. And one always contradicts the other no mather what.. except this one..which is explainable since it's not really a theory..more of a epiphany.
I firmly believe that everything, almost, can be explained by instincts. And I do mean everything.
'well, duh', some may think but no..not "duh".
I was watching this documentary about children with sleeping problems. "try hypnotherapy" "maybe she's traumatized" or "maybe she wasn't raised right". Ever come to think that some people are naturally more instinctive than others, from birth. And being alone in a room is not natural for a human when you think about it, we're not meant to be alone. And come to think of it walls must be one of the first really unnatural things of us to start with.
"four walls for you, and four walls for me"
Of course children run in to their parents bedroom, of course they are fucking scared. They are ALONE! They feel unprotected.
Let see it like I did when I was a kid.
I couldn't sleep at night, and why? because each time I closed my eyes I kept thinking "Who's gonna guard me when I let my guard down, who will be in control and make sure everything is alright"
Yes parents says there's nothing to be afraid of . But you don't have to be scared of something in particular to feel unsafe. I still to this day have huge trouble sleeping alone in a room, even though someone might be in the room right next to me. they can't see me or what is going on in here, when will they react if something did happen? When they hear a weird noise, whether it's me screaming or something breaking they are too far away.
In my opinion these are normal feelings. They're instincts and there for a reason- we can't defend ourselves with fangs, claws or brutal strength so you need to be kept safe. And why are children most afraid? because if a grown man is an easy target then a child is no match and I think that's what scares them even though they may not think that way or even are aware about it. "But we have our intelligence and handmade weapons" yes, but our instincts don't know that, they don't care. That side of your mind is only aware what YOU are capable off just you, without any tools or extras or shit..
Now I've just talked about the instinct linked to fear but there are so much more..and so much more about just fear but I can't write all that down now..
But how corny it may sound, Love and fear is our biggest and strongest feelings, and also our strongest instincts.
Look at it, our lifes revolves around it.
Feeling unloved,looking for love, yearning for it, having it and your whole life seem fulfilled, loosing it making you almost wishing for death, and the love for your family, your passions.
And fear of being rejected, fear of being a failure, of not getting what you want, of not making it, of..well..fucking everything!
And there I wish i could control my instincts, but I never have never will. I flee of fear when I'm afraid I might fall, when something can hurt me.
But anyways..that's the way it is. instincts controls us, binds us and are more basic and strong than emotions (which kinda comes from our instincts often).
I think the world would be more pleasant if people would listen more to that side, to that voice. At least when it comes to other people. I do it all the time and it enables me to read people really well. See if somethings wrong even when they try to hide it. It's a feeling in your gut but an instinct just the same.
The individual is no stronger than it's pack or something like that.
Enough rambling. Nighty
14/12-10...13:15
And YES! I'm all well again from that fuckin fluthing or what it was.. I was only ill like one and a half day though, thank you imune system! But I guess it did some good while it lasted, I lost 3 KG since I couldn't hold anything down for more than five minutes at the most.
In other news me and Hubby celebrated 7 months together yesterday but the celebrating reached a low point.. I was still weak from being sick and then J.J started to get stomach pains so..we went to buy some meat, we ate, we slept. Bfah..
X-mas is just around the corner also.. and ofc I'm late with the whole shoppingthing once again. I don't get any cash 'till the 17th so I guess I'll have to go crazy for cocopuffs with all of Stockholms new terrorists then..
Just have a few people to shop for though..
Got some kick-ass giftideas for J.J and grandpa, damn I'm on a roll here ppl!
In other news me and Hubby celebrated 7 months together yesterday but the celebrating reached a low point.. I was still weak from being sick and then J.J started to get stomach pains so..we went to buy some meat, we ate, we slept. Bfah..
X-mas is just around the corner also.. and ofc I'm late with the whole shoppingthing once again. I don't get any cash 'till the 17th so I guess I'll have to go crazy for cocopuffs with all of Stockholms new terrorists then..
Just have a few people to shop for though..
- Honey-Li
- Hubby
- Tezzi
- Jenni (done)
- Mum
- Bengt
- Arre
- Kongo(done)
- Grandpa
Got some kick-ass giftideas for J.J and grandpa, damn I'm on a roll here ppl!
7/12-10...21:05
Just got back from Svedmyra. Bought a bathroom scale and picked up some mail. I hate weighing myself, but if I don't want my food ghosts do re-appear I need to have my weight under control.
So.. i pulled my pants off (with the handcuffs and belts and shit the pants alone must weigh more than one of my arms) and got up on that damned thing and woohoo, I've gained about 4,5 kg so that has to go.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not obsessed with weight, but since I have a warped self-image I can't trust my own eyes when I look in the mirror. Being in control and keeping my weight from going up and down is my way to be sure I haven't gained 3 pounds over night even if it looks like that to me.
So I guess my plan to lose 4,5 KG is to stop with the sweets, no shit aye?, and start up with the push-ups and sit-ups again. Like I've said before I need to start working out again but I think I' more into doing just one thing rather than doing yoga here, and boxing there and aerobics here.. Maybe I'll take some dance classes, or karate or whatev.. Or gymnastics.. like acrobatics.. Since most of my bodyparts are kinda hypermobile and that could be good for my joints or something.
Or I'll take up pole- and/or belly-dancing..
Wish me luck on Sunday also, me and hubby are gonna look at some apartment that we will hopefully get.
X
So.. i pulled my pants off (with the handcuffs and belts and shit the pants alone must weigh more than one of my arms) and got up on that damned thing and woohoo, I've gained about 4,5 kg so that has to go.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not obsessed with weight, but since I have a warped self-image I can't trust my own eyes when I look in the mirror. Being in control and keeping my weight from going up and down is my way to be sure I haven't gained 3 pounds over night even if it looks like that to me.
So I guess my plan to lose 4,5 KG is to stop with the sweets, no shit aye?, and start up with the push-ups and sit-ups again. Like I've said before I need to start working out again but I think I' more into doing just one thing rather than doing yoga here, and boxing there and aerobics here.. Maybe I'll take some dance classes, or karate or whatev.. Or gymnastics.. like acrobatics.. Since most of my bodyparts are kinda hypermobile and that could be good for my joints or something.
Or I'll take up pole- and/or belly-dancing..
Wish me luck on Sunday also, me and hubby are gonna look at some apartment that we will hopefully get.
X
2/12-10...00:30
Got back home with about half of Posh Vandals from their rehearsal today that in my op went pretty damn good, even though I hear like a 90 year old hag because of the fever...
Bit my lip on the way home so now I got a nice taste of blood in my mouth. Weird enough it mix kinda nicely with tea..
Anyhow, I just downloaded some pics from my camera to my computer and some vids from Posh's latest gig.. the vids are fucking terrible cause my camera fucked up big time.. There's some major dysfunction junction with that thing.. But there where some very interesting parts.. Like one where Lis dances like a drunk ragdoll at the end of 'The boys are back in town', and the ending of another song where Charlie and Liz are laying on stage, Charlie seems to dryhump Liz's leg while Liz gets up to squeeze Charlie's nipple.. there's one nice gayfest for ya!
Will upload it when I can get my hands on some video editing program of some sort..
J.J is hilarious when he's sleepy, ehr..btw. I sat on top of him drumming on his stomach and then leaned forward holding the bed quilt (that he was under) to my face and he asks "are you Muslim?"
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard, no doubt.
Oh, almost forgot.. Got some writing done at the busride home from my mums last Sunday. It's been a while since I last got a flash of inspiration but it kinda hit me when we got closer and closer back to Stockholm and I saw all those lights that just tells you you're home.
I fucking hope they keep coming. I've missed writing so much, and I haven't had any inspiration what so ever the last couple of months or so.. Pray for me won't ya?
X
Bit my lip on the way home so now I got a nice taste of blood in my mouth. Weird enough it mix kinda nicely with tea..
Anyhow, I just downloaded some pics from my camera to my computer and some vids from Posh's latest gig.. the vids are fucking terrible cause my camera fucked up big time.. There's some major dysfunction junction with that thing.. But there where some very interesting parts.. Like one where Lis dances like a drunk ragdoll at the end of 'The boys are back in town', and the ending of another song where Charlie and Liz are laying on stage, Charlie seems to dryhump Liz's leg while Liz gets up to squeeze Charlie's nipple.. there's one nice gayfest for ya!
Will upload it when I can get my hands on some video editing program of some sort..
J.J is hilarious when he's sleepy, ehr..btw. I sat on top of him drumming on his stomach and then leaned forward holding the bed quilt (that he was under) to my face and he asks "are you Muslim?"
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard, no doubt.
Oh, almost forgot.. Got some writing done at the busride home from my mums last Sunday. It's been a while since I last got a flash of inspiration but it kinda hit me when we got closer and closer back to Stockholm and I saw all those lights that just tells you you're home.
I fucking hope they keep coming. I've missed writing so much, and I haven't had any inspiration what so ever the last couple of months or so.. Pray for me won't ya?
X
1/12-10...00:53
Well,well.. this is it.. the beginning of the end of another year. Not that big a deal really, but you still feel the anticipation of the holidays..
I love the holidays, I do.. it gives me something to do and something to focus on. Something I normally don't have.
It will be nice for a change I think.. Gonna make it a lil christmasy here tomorrow if I'll wake up in time
I've gulped down 3-4 glasses of Jim Beam and coke so I'll be able to sleep tonight. have looked up a couple of numbers to nearby psychiatric health center or what you'd call it.. Gonna call em up tomorrow, see if I can get a doc again to get me some sleeping pills. Also I need someone to talk to, to sort out what makes me so.. deviant..
I think that would be good for me, plus I need someone to kick me in the arse once in a while to get me to actually do the things I'm aiming for.. to start studying and working out again. To never stop chasing myself again.
Seriously, man.. I need to catch that lil fucker and se who she is cause man is she teasing me or what?
I don't really know who I am.. all of me at least, but I'm trying to figure that shit out.
I don't really like myself, but that's the big part of me that's all chaos. And why is it chaos?
Because I haven't figured that part out yet so it's got a mind of its own you know? I'm trying to get there, and I'm trying to not be so..me all the time. My days of breaking mirrors is OVER!
I'm in love with my lil affairs..My writing, my theories about..well anything, my music, my way of thought ( believe it or not) and I love always getting this new revelations about life, about how to think and especially about how to see things and people.. although people sometimes scares the living shit out of me..
But i scare them back.
Scaring people is kinda the idea.. because if you do, they don't see how scared you are.
I love the holidays, I do.. it gives me something to do and something to focus on. Something I normally don't have.
It will be nice for a change I think.. Gonna make it a lil christmasy here tomorrow if I'll wake up in time
I've gulped down 3-4 glasses of Jim Beam and coke so I'll be able to sleep tonight. have looked up a couple of numbers to nearby psychiatric health center or what you'd call it.. Gonna call em up tomorrow, see if I can get a doc again to get me some sleeping pills. Also I need someone to talk to, to sort out what makes me so.. deviant..
I think that would be good for me, plus I need someone to kick me in the arse once in a while to get me to actually do the things I'm aiming for.. to start studying and working out again. To never stop chasing myself again.
Seriously, man.. I need to catch that lil fucker and se who she is cause man is she teasing me or what?
I don't really know who I am.. all of me at least, but I'm trying to figure that shit out.
I don't really like myself, but that's the big part of me that's all chaos. And why is it chaos?
Because I haven't figured that part out yet so it's got a mind of its own you know? I'm trying to get there, and I'm trying to not be so..me all the time. My days of breaking mirrors is OVER!
I'm in love with my lil affairs..My writing, my theories about..well anything, my music, my way of thought ( believe it or not) and I love always getting this new revelations about life, about how to think and especially about how to see things and people.. although people sometimes scares the living shit out of me..
But i scare them back.
Scaring people is kinda the idea.. because if you do, they don't see how scared you are.
